My Life Has No Meaning, But Have You Tried the New Toaster?

Despite the business being obscenely profitable, our office is overcrowded, we are underpaid, and our work almost certainly supports fracking, heart disease, and the blatant exploitation of the poor. In recent months, it has occurred to me that this makes what I do, at best, completely void of meaning and, at worst, totally amoral. In short, my life has no meaning… but, have you tried the new toaster? Now, if you’re thinking, “a toaster is not a good enough reason to continuing living such a futile existence,” then you’ve never experienced the way a piece of golden brown, bread, gently rising from an evenly-heated, cooking chamber, can lift one’s battered spirits from even the darkest pits of despair. To the truly downtrodden, those warm tendrils of steam feel like an approximation of love… $600 worth of bread-making love.

It’s been a true epiphany realizing that it’s not working 16-hour days and coming in on weekends that leaves me with an empty feeling inside, it’s a lack of toasted carbohydrates! All of my true suffering has been at the hands of obsolete toasting technology, and the benevolence of upper management has now delivered me from that false breakfast prophet. Thanks to the fine specimen of modern, kitchen convenience we received today, all of my former problems have been solved.

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